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“The greatest evil is physical pain” Saint Augustine

It’s amazing the impact that pain can have on your life. I now have full sympathy for those with Chronic pain. Not that I didn’t sympathise before, I just didn’t understand really. It’s now been months since the appendix came out and I’m still not back to “living my life to the full thanks to my health” to quote um, me.

Frustration has been the over-riding emotion and to be honest, today I really got bored with myself moaning about it! Why haven’t I used hypnotherapy on myself to fix it? Cause…why?? There’s been part of me thinking that I can’t be moving forward with my hypnotherapy stuff because I’m off sick from my NHS job and that’s not allowed. If I can work on the hypnotherapy stuff, can’t I be at work?

I’m now doing a phased return to work, using annual leave, which is alleviating some of my guilt. Not all though. Hmm, just realised that this is my fourth(?) post and guilt has come up in two of them. Anyone guess I was raised a catholic?!

Truth is, I haven’t told work about Conscious Healthcare, and I feel like I’m cheating on work to be promoting it. It’s only just dawned on me now though that I’ve worked on Conscious Healthcare outside work and I’ve never advertised the fact that my clinic appointments are evenings, weekends and can be booked on one day-time a fortnight – as I work longer hours the other days to allow me to have an extra day off a fortnight.

I am fortunate to have a flexible job, in healthcare, which I am passionate about. I am also fortunate that the job allows me to learn every day and pays me well that I don’t need to work outside it. I do though, because pharmacy has never been enough for me. I’ve always believed in the psychological aspect of health, which did eventually lead me to hypnotherapy. And I guess is the reason for my absolute frustration at this pain I’m still getting. I’ve always believed pain is your body’s way of trying to tell you something – so why am I not listening??

I’ve said in the last couple of days, more than once, that perhaps this pain is my body rejecting my job. It has been something that I’ve been thinking about a lot. I haven’t been all that satisfied in my role, a lot to do with the fact that my current role has been focussed very much on trying to save the NHS money. I do think it is important to utilise the resources to the best we can, but now we are finding that the savings are getting harder and harder to achieve. Patients are all individual, with individual needs so it’s difficult to blanket switch everyone onto one type of drug because it is the most cost effective option.

My role has taken a long time to get into though too, I’ve invested the time in building relations with colleagues that I have a lot of time for. Although my role can be an isolated one at times, I do visit the same five practices a week and have done for over two years now. I also see my own pharmacy team regularly, and have a lot of time for my peers. My boss has just returned from Maternity leave and it’s lovely to have her back. She’s been very supportive of my return to work and I managed to admit to her that I find sometimes I’m bored – so she’s keen to do something about that. Truth is, I’m not ready to give up on it yet as there are so many benefits.

Conscious Healthcare is something I believe in too though, so where do you strike the balance – and how do I make sure that I’m not just working all the time? I had a yogi tea the other day that had the message “the purpose of life is to enjoy every moment” – it was so true for me that I tweeted it – and posted in on Conscious Healthcare’s facebook page (which is as sparce as this blog!)

Hypnotherapy can grow itself organically, I offer evening and weekend slots (not Friday evenings though, those are for fun!) Ooplah are developing a hypnotherapy app for Android and iphone that I am doing the audio for, and hopefully will be developing a whole range in the not so distant future too. And I can blog regularly too, as I intended to before – this one’s been sparked by the wordpress postaday challenge that I’ve only just become aware of. I am participating in the postaweek challenge on Conscious Healthcare and going to set up Conscious Writing to participate in postaday.

Rant over. Hoping the pain will start to subside now that I’ve decided not to reject my job for now until I have a clearer idea of where I’m headed.

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